I was supposed to love her.

I looked at her,

Wondering what they all saw,

Forced a smile as I held her in my arms,

Arms that no longer felt like mine.

I was supposed to be happy.

Her eyes met mine,

Skin touched skin,

But we could not have been further apart.

I don’t recognise who I am anymore.

Every new day,

is one I haven’t had.

I look at my reflection,

Hoping to see a smile that’s really mine,

Only to find her eyes filled with sadness.

What kind of mother am I?

I cannot hold her,

I cannot comfort her,

I cannot comfort myself, from the guilt of wanting to comfort her.

“It’ll be easy” they said,

“An instant connection” they said,

“A mothers bond is like no other” they said,

And I can’t stop crying.

I tell them it is tears of joy,

They would not forgive me if they knew the truth.

How can I tell them?

That something so small,

So fragile,

Is breaking me?

Will they understand?

If I tell them I need to breathe again?

I’m suffocating.

I want to hold her,

One more time,

I want to tell her I’m sorry,

It’s not her fault,

I,

I was supposed to love her.

Written by Dr Muna Abdi