Grief and Joy

2020 almost broke me, and in all honesty, I have spent most of 2021 just trying to heal.

When you experience a single wound, it hurts, the pain is acute, but it can be located. Even if it does not make sense, it can be located. But what happens when there are multiple wounds, each with a different pain? I lost my uncle, grandfather and father in the space of 8 weeks. My world changed and even with crowds of people around me, for the first time in my life, I experienced loneliness. I found comfort in my faith and in the knowledge that I carried more of my father in me than even I realized. I comforted myself with his words, sat on his seat, laid on his pillow, drank from his cup and told his stories to my nieces and nephews. I made sense of the pain but that did not lessen it in any way.

I know that living is a blessing from God and an opportunity to honor those whose footprints guide our path. So I made a commitment to be more intentional, to be more present and to love more courageously. This was my promise to my father and to myself. Have I managed to achieve that this year? I don’t know. But one thing I can be sure of is that I truly understand what it means to live with grief and joy, and to hold them both at the same time.

We all have the capacity to carry complicated emotions. People tell you that time heals and that it gets easier. But they don’t tell you that grief comes in waves. They don’t tell you that it makes you lose your breathe in the moments you least expect it. They don’t tell you that even in moments of joy, you carry grief.

This year was filled with many personal and professional blessings, and with those came the ache of grief. My faith teaches me that when we give we ease our hearts, we cure our sadness, we purify our wealth, we become closer to the owner of our soul and the listener of our prayers… so in each moment of joy and pain, I prayed and I gave.

“…there is always goodness in giving no matter how little.” — Ali Ibn Abi Talib (RA)

There is a freedom you find when you give. The realization that fear teaches us to hold on to what we think is ours, while love gives us permission to let go.

You never lose by giving.

The pandemic has given us all so many opportunities to let go and give… to heal our pain by helping others. But it is also amplified our personal and collective fear of loss, with many of us holding on to people, jobs, and places that do not bring us joy. The fear of loss is suffocating and I was already out of breath.

In a year where I thought all I would try and do was survive and heal, God brought me so many moments of joy. All I had to do was let go of expectation and the need to hold on. To give myself permission to cry, to laugh, to forgive, to be alone, to stop and to move. Those moments of joy were divine blessings and a reminder that the prayers of those who are no longer on Earth, may be seen in those they leave behind. With every blessing, I hear my fathers prayers. And with every moment of challenge, I smile, knowing that I carry my faith and his strength to help me through.

Grief never leaves… it changes you forever.

I am grateful for the lessons of this year. I have grown into the woman I want to be. I am stronger, more fearless, and more loving.